Are Dogs Relationship Killers?

Once a dog moves in, your relationship starts to get rocky? Alongside the puppy blues, relationship problems are one of the most common experiences of new dog owners. So, are dogs really relationship killers? No, they aren’t. Let me explain why and why our furry friends can be wonderful indicators of the state of your partnership.

Dogs as Relationship Killers? 7 Reasons Against It

“He really wanted a dog, but I’m the one doing all the work!”

“She insisted on getting a dog, and now she has no time for me!”

When a partnership adds a furry member, the dynamics change. Time, energy, and patience are redistributed. After all, there’s now a living being that depends on its humans in every way.

This creates challenges, new burdens, but also opportunities.

With a Dog, You Get to Know a Different Side of Your Partner

I’ve always had animals in my life. So, there were always pets around when a human partner entered the picture. However, there were two occasions when a new puppy joined me during a relationship.

With Cooper, my then-partner wanted to be involved from the start. He came along to the breeder, announced the furry addition to his family and friends with great fanfare, and often referred to Cooper as “our puppy.”

But in daily life, a different picture emerged. Not only did I cover all the costs, but I was also responsible for absolutely everything. “Our” dog was my responsibility in every respect. Even filling the water bowl was too much to ask of him.

He didn’t care if she needed to go outside, was hungry, or was injured. He showed no consideration for her and even put her in danger several times. Criticism towards me was never far behind.

At the time, I even tried to rationalize this behavior. Today I realize it was a deeper glimpse into his personality. I saw a side of him he had previously hidden—the side that had nothing to do with consideration, responsibility, and love for animals.

Thanks to the new dog, I got a clear warning.

But it can also go completely differently. Maybe your partner blossoms, shows an unexpectedly sensitive side, or patiently and lovingly explains the world to your dog.

A new dog offers insights into the person by your side, which can indicate problems or rekindle love.

Questions about the Training Style Arise

Strict or laissez-faire? Patient and loving or dominating and forceful? There are numerous training or dog-parenting styles, and it feels like a lottery win when both partners follow the same path from the start.

Can you maintain the same line with your partner and come to agreements? That builds a strong bond. After all, you’re solving problems together and working towards something – together.

On the other hand, if there are constant conflicts and no insights despite all efforts, that is also important information.

Do You get Criticism or Support?

When Cooper arrived, she was a typical but surprisingly easy-going puppy. She walked well on a leash, listened wonderfully to me, but took a while to grasp the concept of house training.

She was cheerful and playful, got along well with other animals, and brought me immense joy. However, taking her out often required more of my time.

Waking up at night initially drained my energy. I had to feed her more often than the others, get her used to brushing, and prevent her from engaging in typical puppy mischief – all of which demanded more of my attention.

What I received in return from my partner were constant accusations and criticism. I didn’t cook elaborate meals for my partner anymore. I didn’t have enough attention left to anticipate his every wish during those first weeks with the new puppy. He even had to turn on the washing machine himself.

Years later, with a different man, I had an entirely new experience. Instead of criticism, I was asked, “Can I help you? You’re dealing with so much with the animals; what can I do?” Sometimes there were no questions; food appeared that I hadn’t cooked, laundry was done, and the floor was vacuumed.

The support was implicit. And there was clarity about the temporary state we were managing together.

This support was immensely invaluable to me and our relationship.

Jealousy Is Not Uncommon

Speaking of insights into relationships: being jealous of a dog is not uncommon.

If one partner takes significantly more care of the dog than the other and is cheerful and happy about it, that can trigger insecurities. One partner may feel neglected, sidelined, or even completely excluded.

BUT: it doesn’t always mean that they are genuinely neglected, sidelined, or excluded.

When Cooper moved in, I was largely ignored by my then-partner. We did nothing together, despite my frequent suggestions. Each evening, he would stare at the television for hours, leaving me to myself.

This changed abruptly when I was petting and brushing Cooper in the evenings. When I went off to a quiet walk with my puppy he didn’t want to join me. Usually, he ignored me. BUT, when I went into the kitchen, cooked dog food, and played a bit with the happy furball – that was a huge problem.

Suddenly, my then-partner became jealous and complained about getting too little attention.

Like a child who doesn’t want a toy but also doesn’t want anyone else to play with it.

This too was a clear warning sign and a huge red flag – and an existing problem that was only highlighted more quickly and clearly by my new dog.

A New Dog Can Spark Competition

Who does the dog prefer? Who achieves training successes faster? Who does your pup listen to better? On whose side of the bed does he sleep?

A little competition can indeed invigorate and improve the relationship—as long as both of you are pulling in the same direction and are happy for each other. And of course, both of you are putting time and effort into caring for your dog (affectionately and without overwhelm the little furry one, of course).

It becomes problematic when you both try too hard to outdo each other or belittle the other’s efforts.

Partner’s Positions Become Clearer

You want to snuggle with your dog on the couch. Your partner disagrees because of the dog hair. So you lay down a blanket and thoroughly groom your dog.

Even though there are no more hairs left behind –you’ve supposedly solved the problem – your dog still isn’t allowed on the couch. Your partner would rather see you sitting on the floor with your dog than give up an unreasonable rule.

Again, this is an example of how a new dog brings clarity. And it should spark some reflection on your part.

A New Dog Calls Values and Ranks into Question

Did you feed the dog before serving your partner’s meal? Did you take the dog out because he urgently needed to go, but your partner wanted to share gossip instead?

Whenever this leads to bad moods in the relationship, jealousy is involved. But also a significant amount of control issues.

MUST your partner always come first, or else there will be unrest? Can’t they accept that the dog’s needs to come first sometimes?

Yes, a (new) dog can also reveal some people’s egocentrism. If they don’t always stand first and have the highest priority regardless of circumstances, the relationship can become unpleasant.

My Two Personal Highlights:

One acquaintance complained to me that she was in the middle of a conversation with her husband when the dog suddenly needed to go out urgently. This was a clear sign that the dog had diarrhea due to a sensitive stomach. The husband shifted into high gear and took the dog out.

For her, this was proof that the dog “was prioritized over her.” After all, her husband had given the dog “precedence.”

No, he was just reacting to the diarrhea. The dog – or rather, the diarrhea – was simply more urgent for a moment. Nothing more.

Highlight number two was my then-partner. Cooper had choked and was in danger of suffocating. I jumped up and cleared her airways. It took several minutes for her to breathe normally again. He held it against me for months that I had interrupted a conversation with him to save my dog.

According to him, I always prioritized the dogs over him because I had jumped up in an acute, life-threatening situation instead of letting Cooper suffocate.

Dramatic experiences aren’t necessary to recognize an unhealthy tendency.

The reverse is also true. If you’re sick or injured and your partner doesn’t care, that alone is a warning sign. If you’re sick or injured and your partner finds it more important to fetch treats for the dog than to help you for a few minutes?

That reflects an unhealthy relationship in the opposite direction.

Dogs Are Not Relationship Killers—They Are Magnifying Glasses and Accelerants

Comparisons between children and dogs are frowned upon. Yet there are many parallels between them, including the stresses and opportunities for the relationship.

Some couples grow even closer through a new dog or kid. They face challenges together, share responsibilities, and strengthen each other.

For others, a new dog or living being reveals what’s wrong in the relationship.

Are you trying to solve problems as a team? Or is one partner left to fend for themselves while also hearing accusations? Are thoughts of competition and jealousy surfacing? Or are you surprised by unexpectedly loving support?

Whatever happens: a dog is not a relationship killer. It acts like a child in that it serves merely as a magnifying glass for existing problems and can act as an accelerant for conflicts in the partnership.

These issues have always been there. They just become more prominent through the dog and everything that comes with having a four-legged friend.

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